Staying on top

There's hardly any joy in this anymore. The day before I always feel like a fighter exhausted sitting in the locker room head down and shoulders slumped waiting for the next round. Trying to place week after week gets tiring. I used to be rank 250 something in San Diego. Now I'm 109. And still going up. Getting there. But those damn firewalkers. So damn annoying. I can usually beat them when the deck behind them is not control. Boros and Quest I can beat, even when they have firewalker, it's just harder. Just wanna run something rogue so that they become dead cards. But I can't bring myself to do so. Playing rogue decks you get used to losing, doesn't mean you like it, but you're ok with it. Once you win, it's addictive. You want to win again next week. And if you keep winning then it becomes an expectation. You can't go back to being a loser. If you're looked at as an easy win, then it'll be hard to get out of that. But its fuckin hilarious when they sit there mad as shit that they lost to you. Victory is suppose to feel liberating but I just feel trapped. There's just no confidence there anymore. There never was. The higher and higher you go the less mistakes you're allowed to make. You can't fuck around anymore. Especially when you're paired with somebody new. Cause that'll really hurt your rating, which you now care for. The higher you go, the more the drop hurts on the way down. And then you build a rogue deck and have someone else play it. The deck seems playable, but when applied the topdecks just don't flow, so you spend all the effort trying to make it better. And then you ask yourself, are you living through this person playing the rogue deck? Since you're unable to experiment anymore. Is the grass on the other side sweeter because she's able to play decks carefree and not give a fuck in the end?  I miss those days.